Trouble Is My Business

I have a small thing for "old time radio". Especially hardboiled detective shows. And...as far as I'm concerned, nothing typifies this genre better than Philip Marlowe.

Philip Marlowe was a character created by the great, late Raymond Chandler (whom I love enough that I bought a book just of his letters). I don't know what it is about Philip Marlowe that entrances me so much more than any other detective. I think maybe it's just because he so personifies that sort of...noir world so well. Earlier today, at work, I was listening to an episode of "The Adventures of Philip Marlowe", starring Gerald Mohr , that I had burned onto a CD (yes, I am that much of a dork).

Marlowe speaks exactly how I want a detective to speak. I picture him in a long tan trenchcoat and fedora, smoking many cigarettes and calling every woman he encounters "dame" or "doll". The plot of the episode I was listening to is irrelevant, but I'll give you some choice Marlowe quotes here...and try to imagine them in your best old-time radio voice:

"There was only the heavy scent of taboo in the air..."

"I felt like a well-fed mallard on the opening day of hunting season."

"Quit acting like a bobby sock who's within squealing distance of Frank Sinatra and try a cigarette!"

"We held a short pow-wow without passing the peace pipe."

"It was about as relaxing as the thought of a time bomb in a day nursery."

"This situation was as tangled as a second-hand spiderweb."

"When I got there, I knew I was as welcome as whooping cough at a glassblower's convention."

"Listen, beautiful, don't flap your eyelashes at me. I can't see anything but double-crosses right now."

I'd like to imagine Philip Marlowe talking dirty. I bet it would be hot. Also, clearly I need to get this book right now.